Nothing really cohesive going on here. I've been flitting and fluttering this way and that lately. One moment I am faithful, strong, and steadfast. The next I am griping, grumpy, and faithless. I want to do right. I want to be good. Yet, the rewards seem so far out there. I struggle. I fail. I miss the mark. (I know you're probably thinking, "So, don't we all?")

Yet, I desire to be firm, to hold fast to my convictions, to finally feel able to have others follow the Jesus in me. I barely feel like I am making any head way in this journey much of the time, though I pray, I read, and I regularly meet with other believers on the path with me.

Our pastor spoke on heaven last night, and he asked at the beginning of his message how many of us were ready to go there right now. A smattering of hands shot up, but more of us were in the next group, "How many of you want to go to heaven some day, just not. right. now?"

That is me all the way. I remember when I had to do the biopsy thing back in Feb. My first thought when I contemplated my mortality was . . . not yet, God. NOT YET!! Why is it that I am so not ready to go to my eternal home, though I know it will be more than I could ever hope or imagine? I want to be with my Father, because I know He is waiting for me. Yet, I can't loosen my grasp on the temporal things in front of me.

Now, I don't mean that I am some material girl who can't let go of all the "things" that I consider treasures here on earth. Very little I own or possess fits into that category at all. I think I've learned via parenthood to hold my "valuables" quite loosely. I've found true joy and fulfillment in the "treasures" that have no monetary value whatsoever. These are a few:

• The twinkling eyes of my JD Green when he sees me first thing in the morning
• The sound of my DP's voice when he begins the day, comes home from work, or tells me I am beautiful . . . just one more time.
• The unabashed, uninhibited laughter of my Sweetcheeks when she is fully enjoying God's creation around her.
• The cackling of my Libbyline when she has clued into a new "funny" to her.
  
• The newfound grace with which Libbyline moves now that she's taken dance.
• The tenderness found in the mundane routine of bed time, snuggling, praying and sharing from the heart.

I could go on and on, but I hope this paints a bit of a picture of why I struggle with wanting to be with these dear ones and leaving for eternity with my Father in heaven. I want to be with Him, but I can't imagine my life any differently than what is before me day in and day out. The rewards of heaven are but a filmy mist in light of the reality of today.

I watched Elizabeth Edwards interviewed tonight, and I was in tears over her words regarding her cancer and her relationship to her children. She said that the scariest part of her having cancer is having to someday, sooner than she'd planned, have to "tell these sweet children and unbelieveable man goodbye." I am not in her shoes, but my mama's heart, my wifely heart is linked with hers.

Death is a reality for all of us. One other statement from this interview struck a chord with me:

"Everybody who's sitting at this table who isn't going to die, raise your hand."

So true. It is so simple and yet so complex all at once. My prayer is that I would live my life to the fullest each and every day God gives me. Though I want to go to heaven some day, I still have much to do here on earth. May I be a good steward of the days, redeeming the time. (Ephesians 5:18-20)

I'll leave you with a quote. It spoke to my heart today. I pray it resonates with yours as well.

As Jesus stepped into the garden, you were in His prayers.
As Jesus looked into heaven, you were in His vision . . .
His final prayer was about you. His final pain was for you.
His final passion was you.
~Max Lucado

Labels: blogging, mind dribbles